The Sickest Jokes

Isn't it ironic that Asian anime characters have massive eyes.

Isn't it ironic that Asian anime characters have massive eyes.

My wife went for her first scan today.The doctor asked, "So then, boy or a girl?"I thought,...

My wife went for her first scan today.

The doctor asked, "So then, boy or a girl?"

I thought, "What sort of cancer is this?"

My flatmate is a bit of a pussy.In fact, his favourite band is Write A Strongly Worded Letter Of...

My flatmate is a bit of a pussy.

In fact, his favourite band is Write A Strongly Worded Letter Of Complaint Against The Machine.

"You've been sent to hell because you were a poacher", said this guy, with a really good...

"You've been sent to hell because you were a poacher", said this guy, with a really good set of horns.

After finding some of my dad's old photos of me as a child, it turns out I was quite a good...

After finding some of my dad's old photos of me as a child, it turns out I was quite a good looking boy.

Well the three naked men in the photo with me all had a boner, so I must've been.

I phoned my boss and told him I was sick."I'll see you here at 9", he said and hung up.I...

I phoned my boss and told him I was sick.

"I'll see you here at 9", he said and hung up.

I fucking hate working for a doctor.

We were watching countdown when my girlfriend broke the news to me that she had aids. Ha! I had...

We were watching countdown when my girlfriend broke the news to me that she had aids.

Ha! I had mermaids.

Sexplay is actually very common between cousins. The first time I saw my cousin naked, I looked at...

Sexplay is actually very common between cousins. The first time I saw my cousin naked, I looked at her little vag and said, "wut's dat yu haz dere?" She said it was her peepee, and I told her mine didn't look like that. She wanted to see, so I pulled it out, then she asked if she could touch it. I said, yeah, so she did. When it got hard, she started giggling and said it was cute, then gave it a kiss. I liked that, so I slipped it on into her mouth. We were both pretty young at the time. She was 6, I think, and I was about 28.

Butter is slippery, that's why we eat as much as possible, to lubricate our arteries and veins.

Butter is slippery, that's why we eat as much as possible, to lubricate our arteries and veins.

My cat always looks at me funny when I'm masturbating.So I took a shit and started licking my...

My cat always looks at me funny when I'm masturbating.

So I took a shit and started licking my butthole clean so he didn't think I was weird.

I didn't eat your alphagetti don't put words in my mouth.

I didn't eat your alphagetti don't put words in my mouth.

I wish my girlfriend would be a little bit dirtier when she's giving me a blow job.Her...

I wish my girlfriend would be a little bit dirtier when she's giving me a blow job.


Her toothpaste really stings my cock.

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with a great singing voice. Except Chris Brown.

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with a great singing voice. Except Chris Brown.

I saw a kid struggling on a swing so figured I should give him a push.Now it's my swing.

I saw a kid struggling on a swing so figured I should give him a push.

Now it's my swing.

I have diet Coke and Mentos in my house…In other words, my Nuclear Weapons Program is ten...

I have diet Coke and Mentos in my house…

In other words, my Nuclear Weapons Program is ten years ahead of North Korea.

"What could be gayer than a bloke drinking a large glass of red wine in the pub?" My mate...

"What could be gayer than a bloke drinking a large glass of red wine in the pub?" My mate asked.

I said, "A pint of semen probably."

My wife said to me today, "Why don't you put our holiday photos on your facebook...

My wife said to me today, "Why don't you put our holiday photos on your facebook profile?"

"I've not got the time" I replied.

She said, "It only takes a few minutes to upload them".

Which is true, but it takes me fucking hours with photoshop to make her not look like a fat cunt.

I was on a plane when a woman fell unconscious."Is there a Doctor on board?" the cabin staff...

I was on a plane when a woman fell unconscious.

"Is there a Doctor on board?" the cabin staff shouted.

"Yes!" I said, "Carry her into the toilet so I can give her a full examination in private."

At last, years of studying Philosophy pays off.

Just found out my brother is a mime artist.He kept that fucking quiet.

Just found out my brother is a mime artist.

He kept that fucking quiet.

I'm worried that my son may be gay since he's started going to ballet lessons.Particularly...

I'm worried that my son may be gay since he's started going to ballet lessons.

Particularly as there are some gorgeous guys with incredible asses there.